


You Could Follow Your Heart (But You Follow a Whim)

by unholyminter (oneswhonever)



Category: The Ultimate Sidemen
Genre: Angst and Porn, Best Friends, Bondage, Cancer, Chair Bondage, Cheating, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Emotional Infidelity, Friends to Lovers, How Do I Tag, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Non-Sexual Bondage, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Rape/Non-con Elements, Same-Sex Marriage, Tags Are Hard, Vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-15 19:33:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9252668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneswhonever/pseuds/unholyminter
Summary: Simon Minter is clouded with deep fears and Josh Bradley is overwhelmed with dark desires.





	

**Author's Note:**

> because this fandom does not have enough fanfiction.
> 
> (let alone enough smutty and angsty fanfiction)
> 
> the beginning is quite porny but i promise there's actually lots of plot to be found, probably more than anticipated.  
> there shall be no apologies.
> 
> (also just fyi if you're concerned the rape isn't between simon and josh!!!)

Josh is pretty certain that Simon gets a sexual thrill from all of this. If he didn't, he wouldn't keep coming back for more.  
  
Watching his best friend struggle and squirm, mumbling intelligible words - Josh doesn't think it's right to find it sexy in anyway. But he does; he really does.  
  
Simon probably likes being tied up more than he likes the actual sex, Josh reckoned. Not that he minded one bit, because it was almost relaxing for Josh to watch. The thrill of seeing it before his own eyes was much greater than anything simple porn could give him. Sometimes it didn't even have to be sexual. Josh liked doing it, and Simon liked to partake. There was nothing wrong with it.  
  
...actually, there were _many_ things wrong with it. Josh just didn't like to think about that.  
  
It pretty much just started one day while they were having sex. Nothing out of the ordinary - plain, vanilla sex. And Josh really did like it that way. When Simon's nails started digging into his back, there was a problem. There could be no marks, but Simon never seemed to keep his hands to himself. No matter how much Josh loved being touched by Simon, it just couldn't happen - so he held him down. He was being rougher than he should have, but he left bruises on Simon's arms. He tried to apologize, but Simon wouldn't let him - he LIKED it.  
  
The next time, Simon brought out a pair of handcuffs. They weren't sexy, fuzzy ones - they were steel that you couldn't easily break out of. Josh then got the hint - Simon liked it when he couldn't move. So he happily went along with it and cuffed Simon's wrists to the headboard, and his lover never came harder.  
  
The next time - Simon was being loud. Louder than usual. loud enough for the other lads to catch wind. Josh tried to put a hand over his mouth, but he was bitten (Simon claimed it wasn't on purpose, just that he was reactive; Josh would soon come to know better). Josh pulled out, took a quick glance around the room, before snatching a roll of duct tape off the desk and taping Simon's mouth shut. He shut up almost instantly, and they got right back to it.  
  
Josh learned that Simon loved being tied and gagged during sex. More than that - he liked bondage in _general._  
  
Simon approached him about it when they were editing a collab video together. He told Josh that he had been stressing out a lot recently due to things in his personal life. Josh kissed him and asked if there was something he could do - and Simon replied that he wanted to be tied up.  
  
Josh was confused at first, but he agreed nonetheless - it was no trouble to him, and especially if it was going to make Simon feel better. He locked the door before he took out the same roll of tape, beginning to secure Simon to the chair - by his ankles, his stomach, and his wrists. As an afterthought, he taped his mouth shut, too. From then on, he went back to editing the video - asking Simon simple questions that he could answer by simply nodding or shaking his head. They were both at ease, and Josh actually liked it that way.  
  
It went on like that for several months - each scene getting more and more intense. Josh liked it. Simon liked it. They were both happy.  
  
-  
  
Josh's mother was inquiring about when he would get married. She visited the boys, and it was all she would talk about - saying how Josh and Freya had been going steady for awhile and maybe they should consider settling down.  
  
In the lounge, Vikk was consoling Simon about it. He was the only one who knew that him and Josh had been sneaking around for awhile, due to walking in on them towards the beginning of their rendezvous. Whilst he didn't necessarily approve, he realized that Josh made Simon really happy.  
  
"I’m sorry mate but...you knew this was bound to happen, right?"  
  
Simon was trying to hold back any potential tears - he thought it was silly to cry over the infidelity that he played a part in. "Yeah. Yeah. It's stupid."  
  
Vikk rubbed his back in reassurance, but still spoke just what was on his mind. "Yeah. It is. But if you want my opinion, you should have realized this would happen as soon as Josh started cheating. I never thought he would break up with Freya for you."  
  
"...thanks?"  
  
-  
  
"So when _are_ you and Freya getting married?"  
  
Simon and Josh had the house to themselves. Vikk was in los angeles, and JJ was staying across town in his flat. It was a rarity that they ever got to sleep in one another's bed, in fear that the other guys would walk in, but Simon wasn't really into it on account of how the prior week had gone.  
  
"I didn't say we were. I'm not really ready for that."  
  
Simon frowned, going and turning to walk to his bedroom. "Well, goodnight, I guess."  
  
Josh yanked him back into the room before he could go any farther. "Simon, come on. Tell me what's really on your mind, please. It can't be just that."  
  
"it's...a lot of things," Simon murmured, sitting down. "But I'm just...worn out. And your mum visiting didn't help any of that."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
Simon rolled his eyes, but stayed silent for a moment, pondering. "Josh, do you think we could...?"  
  
Josh smiled, glad that Simon wasn't mad at him. "Sure. I’ll make you feel better."  
  
He escorted Simon over to the chair (he liked being secured to something for the assurance that he wouldn't be able to get out). With quick and swift knots, he bound his lover tightly - his ankles, knees, stomach, chest, arms; anything he could tie down, he did. Making quick work, he secured a gag in Simon's mouth - this was not always a requirement, especially when the lads weren't around, but it was a step Josh had always liked. He knew Simon didn't mind.  
  
The whole goal of this was usually to calm Simon down and help him to destress, and Josh wanted to help him with that using any means he could. He dug around in their black box (it was a TV box, but Josh kept it around to hold everything he and Simon used; so wandering eyes wouldn't peak) and fished out a sleek, silver vibrator. Simon usually didn't prefer insertion when he was being tied up, but that was unneeded.  
  
Josh tugged down Simon's boxers just enough so that his pulsating cock was exposed. Using a thin piece of white rope, he tied the vibrator to Simon's cock - the tip at his head. He watched as his lover's shoulders tensed up, their eyes locking as Josh's lips curled into a sly smirk. He turned the vibrator on the lowest setting, watching as Simon began to shiver. It always took him awhile to come, but when he did, he was filled with euphoria.  
  
Josh stepped behind him and began working his fingers into the knots in Simon's shoulders and upper back. His shoulders were gradually becoming less and less tense as tremors ran through his body.  
  
Josh spoke to him in a low, tender voice. "Baby boy - don't worry about a thing, okay? I'm not leaving you anytime soon. I know you need me. I wouldn't hurt you like that, Simon Minter. Do you understand me?"  
  
Simon's eyes were fluttering, long lashes hitting his brow bone as he looked at Josh with a soft gaze. Josh would swear up and down that nothing would ever compare to that look - and for a minute he thought he was in love with Simon. He thought about what it would be like to cuddle him every night. To come out to their friends and family. To dump Freya and marry Simon instead.  
  
But that was never part of the plan. Josh loved Simon like he loved all of the other boys - but a lot more than that. Simon was his best friend and had been for a long, long while. They got along considerably well and even this whole mess that they had gotten themselves into could be resolved. It had always been no strings attached and they were very clear on that rule.  
  
Josh knew it would ruin everything, anyhow. There was no realistic way for him and Simon to be together - not without hurt feelings, or teasing, or even harassment. Josh didn't want any of that for Simon.  
  
His thoughts were cut off by his lover coming all over the chair, dripping down his legs.  
  
-  
  
Simon thinks Josh does everything he does just to give him a sense of hope - and only to rip it away a few seconds later.  
  
It was never to Josh what it was to Simon. It was never love. It was just fueled by desire and lust. And sure, that was all well and good, but Simon wanted more than that. Clearly he would never get it from Josh.  
  
And yet, there was no one he wanted it from more.  
  
So, he took the situation to his closest friend (besides Josh, of course). JJ.  
  
"I'm in love. And i don't know what to do about it."  
  
JJ looked up from his laptop and frowned at Simon - which wasn't a good sign. "With who? Love is overrated. You don't need that shit. Especially not after your incident at Vidcon."  
  
"That wasn't _love_ ," Simon insisted, having had blocked the memory from his head until that moment. "She came onto me, okay? And I...you don't know the person."  
  
It was quite clear that JJ wasn't buying a word of it. "Uh huh. Well, why don't you tell me about her, then?"  
  
"...it might not be a _her_  either."  
  
"SIMON MINTER! Since when have you been gay?!"  
  
Simon shushed him instantly. "Please keep it down - I don't want any of them to hear you. And I'm not...I'm not _gay_ . At least I don't think I am. I don't know. I'm confused."  
  
JJ seemed to be pondering this information, and for a second Simon almost regretted telling him. He knew JJ wasn't homophobic or anything, but it's a lot to drink in to find out that one of your best mates is gay. Simon thought that it wasn't the right time to tell him - especially considering that nothing was really certain.  
  
The reaction was certainly unexpected.  
  
"Simon...I'm shocked but that doesn't change that I'm happy you said something. We're not usually the type to get all gushy but seriously...it means a lot that you told me about it. And I want you to know that you can talk to me about whatever you're confused about."  
  
Simon refused to cry, but he did feel the tears bulge behind his eyes. There was truth in JJ's words - the lads are never gushy with one another. But even so, the consideration was evident and Simon was happy he had someone to talk about.  
  
He refrained from hugging JJ, but spoke sincerely either way. "Thank you. I appreciate that a lot. This hasn't been that easy on me as you can probably imagine..."  
  
JJ nodded, leaning over to rub Simon's upper back in support. "I know, man. But a lot of people have your back and care about you. Don't forget that."  
  
If there was any advice Simon needed, it was just that.  
  
-  
  
Simon met an attractive guy with black hair and stubble at the bar. He had chocolate brown eyes with golden glimmer - eyes you could probably drown in. He was built, he had firm hands and a structured jawline - he was Simon's exact definition of gorgeous.  
  
They struck up a conversation, and Simon found out a decent bit about him. His name was Madden Cavanagh, and he worked at a restaurant just down the road from the bar - a fancy french place that the guys always passed up for a burger and fries. He ordered Simon a drink, and the two got to talking half the night.  
  
By the time midnight struck, Madden looked at Simon with those big, irresistible eyes. "Do you want to come back to my place, perchance?"  
  
Simon thought better of it. He really did. For all he knew he would be kidnapped and never heard from again. He wasn't the type to go home with strangers - no matter if they're male or female.  
  
However...Madden was delicious. He had silky, soft skin and a warm voice that could probably melt butter if he tried hard enough. He seemed like a trustworthy guy, so even though it was against Simon's better judgement, he went out with him to the parking lot to follow him over.  
  
That was when Madden laid eyes on Simon's Range Rover. "Fuck, man. That's a nice ass car. What do you do for a living?"  
  
Flushed red, Simon tried to be nonchalant. "Well, me and my buddies make videos on YouTube. I know that's kind of silly..."  
  
"No man. That's actually really cool. Takes a lot to make any real money off of that."  
  
Simon saw something good in Madden and for a minute he debated kissing him, right there in the parking lot. Deciding that it would be too risky, he reminded himself that there would be plenty of kissing later in the night, and got in the car.  
  
-  
  
Madden's house was nothing over the top, which Simon appreciated. It was an understated suburban home that looked lived in and realistic - in comparison to all the poster houses he's been to of his rich friends that he met online. But it was a nice joint that he had all to himself, and he led Simon upstairs to the bedroom.  
  
"So, do you usually get around a lot?" Madden asked nonchalantly, and when Simon appeared confused, he clarified. "Like, do you have a lot of sex? I'm sure you're a clean guy and all but..."  
  
Simon flushed, feeling his skin heat up. "I've only been with one guy recently. I know him well. He's clean."  
  
Madden smiled and began to undo the fastening on his jeans. "That's good. I promise I am, too. I haven't been with anyone in a pretty long time."  
  
Simon found it hard to believe that a man so attractive wasn't booked every night of the week, but he decided not to question it as he worked at the buttons on his shirt. Usually this was something Josh did for him, but he had no complaints.  
  
Once the two were both nude, Madden pushed Simon down onto the bed, and without an ounce of hesitation attached his soft lips to Simon's tender neck, nipping and kissing in professional movements. Simon couldn't help the moans that escaped his lips, and especially not when teeth tore into his skin and bit down. A tender, sore hickey blossomed on the side of his neck, but he didn't mind a single bit.  
  
Madden's hands roamed his body carefully, stroking every inch of Simon's slender figure, kissing or biting every patch of skin that was unmarked. It was strange to have his skin all marked up, but Simon had no complaints. Every time he was bitten particularly hard, he would dig his nails into Madden's back particularly hard - dragging down and creating long, faint red streaks.  
  
Josh would never play rough with him like this.  
  
Almost every movement was foreign. Every stroke of skin - every bruise and hickey that blossomed on his pale skin. He loved it. He craved the touch and he craved the affection. It felt like more than just casual sex - even though Simon knew better than to assume a true connection between him and his bar hookup.  
  
Madden rolled on a condom from his end table, coating himself up with lube. Josh never used condoms, and used such a small amount of lube it hardly made a difference - apparently Freya was on birth control, and obviously never needed the lubrication. The change was foreign, but it felt a lot better when he felt Madden pushing inside of him.  
  
His movements were small and slow, and as his cock got further in, Simon's muscles clenched against it until the full length was in. He dug his nails deep into Madden's back, enough to draw blood as he clung on - needing something to hold onto, and especially as he was thrusted into, slowly but surely.  
  
The movements started out as progressive hip rolls that slowly grew more aggressive as the bed rocked, headboard hitting the wall with every movement. Such movements at the house would cause unwanted attention from the lads. Madden also didn't seem to mind that Simon was a moaning mess, begging for him to pick up the pace and fuck him _hard_ .  
  
His demands were met as Madden rocked right against his prostate - allowing spine tingling shivers and gasping breaths. Simon knew from the get go that it wouldn't take long for him to orgasm - and especially not as Madden's hand curled around Simon's throat and began to choke him, pressing down against his windpipe. All color drained from Simon's face as he gasped, his eyes turning white as his vision clouded up.  
  
Somewhere in that state he had shot off - because when Madden let go of his neck, he was wiping off Simon's cock and stomach with a towel, careful to avoid stimulating his oversensitive manhood.  
  
It wasn't the same as sex with Josh. It wasn't the same as his overall relationship with Josh. But it was definitely something good for him.  
  
-  
  
Josh was the first to greet him when Simon came back to the house after his long night. "Where the hell have you been? You had me worried half to fucking death, you know. Why didn't you pick up your phone?"  
  
"I'm not your boyfriend, Josh," Simon replied gravelly. "I can do what I want and come back when I please."  
  
Josh scowled deeply. "I never said you couldn't, but at least have the decency to answer your phone once in awhile. You had all of us worried sick."  
  
Simon pushed past Josh, already tired of hearing it, and went to his bedroom.

  
-  
  
In the dead of the winter, Josh proposed to Freya.  
  
Simon locked himself in his room and refused to come out for two days straight. He and Josh stopped fooling around, and almost stopped talking altogether, after Simon and Madden began to see each other more and more frequently.  
  
The lads were all off celebrating the proposal, and while they were, Simon invited Madden over. He never gave Josh a reason as to why he didn't want to have sex anymore, and Josh didn't seem to mind - he had a beautiful girlfriend; Simon doubted he was suffering.  
  
Madden had never been around the house before, due to the fact that Simon kept their relationship a secret, but he certainly seemed impressed. Simon took him on a tour of the house before ending up in his bedroom, turning down the lights to lay in bed and pop in a film for them to watch together.  
  
"So, your buddy just got engaged?" Madden inquired, to which Simon nodded stiffly. "You don't seem excited. How come you didn't want to go to the party?"  
  
Simon bit his lip before numbly responding, "Because Josh and I used to fuck around, that's why. That girl he's marrying...he cheated on her for about seven months."  
  
Madden let it drop, and rubbed Simon's thigh in calming, circular motions. Before anything more could be said, Simon was on his cock and riding him until the sun went down.  
  
-  
  
Poor Vikk was the one to find the two naked together the next morning.  
  
Simon let Madden use his shower after some of the humiliation died down. While his man candy was washing up, he stumbled downstairs to talk to Vikk. He didn't expect to see Josh and JJ in the kitchen with him, as well.  
  
"Seems as though you've got a man?" Josh noted, a scowl settling on his lips. He seemed bitter, which made Simon upset. "I didn't think you were quite over me."  
  
"Knock it off, Josh," Vikk snapped, ever the peacemaker. "Simon, why didn't you tell us you were seeing someone?"  
  
Stiff as ever, Simon avoided looking anywhere near Josh. "His name is Madden, and he's my boyfriend. He makes me feel good. ...I was lonely and he was there."  
  
Josh stood up, slamming his hands down hard on their wooden table. "Are you fucking kidding, Simon? He's the reason you stopped talking to me? After all I did for you?"  
  
JJ gripped Josh's arm tight, yanking him back. It occurred to Simon that, at some point, someone must have clued him in to the full story (or what they knew of it, at least).  
  
"Lay off, Josh," hissed JJ. "You and Freya are engaged. Why should it matter who Simon is seeing?"  
  
"He could've at least had the decency to tell us!" Josh exclaimed, looking over to lock eyes with Simon - who was growing queasy and uncomfortable. "Does he fuck you the way I did? Does he fucking tie you down and cum inside you? Does he, Simon?"  
  
With watery eyes, Simon mustered up all his strength to push Josh over, onto the ground and sending him crashing down. Vikk and JJ tried to grab at Simon, but he escaped up the stairs before they could. He slammed the door to his bedroom, seeing Madden sitting on his bed with drenched hair, a towel wrapped around his shoulders and dressed only in his boxers.  
  
Madden spoke before Simon could ever bother trying to. "I heard everything. It’'s okay."  
  
Simon walked over and collapsed in Madden's arms, finally letting out the tears that had been building up since he heard about the engagement. Madden held him close, rubbing his back as he let Simon cry and cry - all of it coming out at once.  
  
He wasn't like Josh. Not one bit.  
  
-  
  
For solace, Simon took to the bar in the small hope that some alcohol in his system would end up making him feel better. He opted to go alone - in case he ended up breaking down; he didn't want anyone to see him in that state.  
  
A man at the bar with a red tint to his beard offered to buy Simon a shot of whiskey, which he gladly accepted whilst sipping at his drink of choice - a fruity concoction with vodka in it that Josh introduced him to a few years prior.  
  
_Josh_ . Even thinking of that name was enough to keep the drinks coming. The man (Michael, Simon is pretty sure) kept on buying him shots while they spoke about nothing and everything. The more drunk he got, the more Simon opened up about himself and felt like socializing.  
  
The more drunk he got, the more dizzy he got. Before he knew it, he was collapsed against the bar - conscious but sweating fiercely and unable to pick himself up.  
  
He felt himself being picked up and carried into the washroom. He felt prodding at his bum and a hand palming his cock through his jeans.  
  
Face smashed against a dirty urinal, Simon Minter was fucked brutally enough to faint.  
  
-  
  
Donnie was a gorgeous police officer with tousled brown hair. He was the one who picked Simon up off of the floor of the bathroom and helped move him into the ambulance when he could not walk. He had regained consciousness and laid passed out on the floor in a pool of his own blood, cum, and piss until an employee discovered him and called the police.  
  
Donnie took Simon's statement of the incident on the way to the hospital. Though in his hungover stupor, Simon could recall very few details of everything and his intelligible mumbling probably didn't help much of anything. He was in pain, he was thirsty, and he felt...different.  
  
He felt dirty.  
  
At the hospital, as they hooked him up to quiet machinery, they asked Simon who he wanted them to call. As an IV pierced his skin, Simon was forced to recall that his parents were currently vacationing, and he had fewer options than he would have liked. In the end, he decided that JJ was the right person. He didn't want anyone else, especially Madden or (god forbid) Josh, to see him in such a fragile state.  
  
In less than ten minutes, JJ was there, and Simon started crying the moment he came into the room.  
  
"Madden called me...all of us were worried when you wouldn't answer your phone," JJ spoke softer than normal, gently bringing Simon into a meaningful, slightly awkward embrace. "Simon, please don't cry...the police said his DNA was all over you...they can find him. You're not any less of a person."  
  
Simon almost begged to differ, but he stayed silent, weeping into JJ's chest for a few minutes before pulling away, curiosity burning in his mind. "...and Josh?"  
  
JJ rubbed Simon's back gently, not pulling away from their half-embrace. "Josh is in the waiting room. So are all of the other guys...I didn't know if you wanted them around."  
  
"Not particularly," Simon replied bleakly, feeling weaker than ever. "I didn't want anyone to see me like this. It's pathetic."  
  
"It's not, Simon. They're just worried."  
  
This was the sort of thing that someone just couldn't predict. Even still, Simon felt that he was just being stupid. He had allowed a stranger at the bar to keep giving him drinks even though he was well past the point of sobriety. It was his own fault for letting himself become so vulnerable, and now that feeling of guilt was so heavy on his mind he felt sick.  
  
When it was clear that Simon wasn't going to speak, JJ kept going. "The test results came back already. Looks like you're clean but apparently you were drugged. Do you remember that at all?"  
  
"No. I hardly remember anything. I was so fucking drunk he could have been putting sand in my drink and i wouldn't be able to tell the difference."  
  
JJ went silent after that, and Simon thought it was probably for the better.  
  
-  
  
There was little left of Madden and Simon's sex life due to the _incident_ (which Simon had banned him from ever bringing up).  
  
Simon just didn't feel like it. Sex wasn't something that he was interested in. The first time he voiced that, he was certain that Madden would break up with him on the spot, but he didn't. He told Simon that he loved him, and that he completely understood.  
  
And, to tell the truth, Simon didn't know what he ever did to deserve such a caring boyfriend. Maybe he was delusional to the concept of another human being treating him with any sort of decency, post-Josh.  
  
He was beginning to wonder if he had just been used that whole time. It seemed silly to think that Josh of all people would ever do that to him, but Simon was having trouble thinking of another explanation. All sex and no compassion - it probably didn't mean much of anything.  
  
He and Josh were not on speaking terms anymore. They barely even looked at each other when they passed by, and it was becoming so tense and awkward that Simon considered moving out. Madden had made it crystal clear that Simon was welcome at his home.  
  
Another thing that Simon was considering was slowing down his video production. He was prideful of the fact that he had never missed an upload, but it was becoming a lot to keep up with considering everything happening in his personal life. He was lucky that he had enough prerecorded videos to last him his stay in the hospital, but the day he was released, he was right back to work. Madden didn't think it was entirely healthy, and Simon had to agree.  
  
On top of that - he felt as though he owed his viewers a little bit of an explanation.  
  
-  
  
"Hey guys. As you can probably tell by my appearance, and the title of this video, today is going to be a serious one. I usually don't do this kind of thing of my channel, but some of you have been catching on that my mood has not been upbeat or happy, and to tell you the truth, I'm the farthest thing from it right now.  
  
"I don't want any of you guys to be seriously worried about me or anything like that. I am an adult who can take care of himself, after all...but some shit has been happening in my personal life recently. YouTube is a hobby for me, but it's also what pays my bills now. I know it's important to keep your baggage away from your job, but it's not something I can help when it's affecting me the way it is, and I couldn't leave you guys hanging.  
  
"I can't go into many details besides what I'm going to tell you. It really is completely personal and some of it I haven't even discussed with my family. It's a whole stream of complicated things that's hard for me to talk about.  
  
"I guess what i really need to say is...I'm gay. Yep. That's Simon's big announcement. I don't know how the majority of you are going to perceive this, but...I am, and it's something you guys deserve to know about me. Some of you may be going through a hard time with your own sexuality, and I want you to know that that's okay. I wish I had some outstanding advice to give, or an exciting story about pride and bravery, and I just don't.  
  
"Maybe one day I can tell you all the candid details, but for now I can assure you that my story is not brave, and neither am I.  
  
"Videos might slow down for awhile, and I apologize for that - but anyone going through something similar will understand how hard it can be just to get yourself up out of bed. I have a few pre recorded videos left, but other than that...I'm sorry."  
  
-  
  
The night that Simon posted his video, Josh came into his room, his eyes looking dark and sunken in. He looked like he hadn't slept in days.  
  
"I just watched your video...I'm sorry that all this had to happen."  
  
Simon lay in his bed, his laptop cracked upon and perched on his stomach as he typed away at the keyboard with his slender fingers. His eyes were even darker and he truly hadn't slept in several days.  
  
"Thanks, I guess..." he murmured, shutting off his laptop and curling up his legs so that Josh had room to sit down. "How have you been?"  
  
Josh pursed his lips, playing with the hem of his black shirt. "Um...I'm okay, I guess. Freya and I broke up last night."  
  
Simon's eyes widened, for this had been the last thing he expected Josh to say. "What do you mean? I thought you guys were engaged now...?"  
  
"We were. We called it off last night. I just...I'm not into her like I used to be. I don't know what happened."  
  
Stunned, Simon didn't dare utter a word. He never expected Josh and Freya to break up. He was certain that they'd get married in the summer and maybe pop out a few kids at some stage. Apparently not.  
  
"Huh...well, I'm sorry, mate. That sucks."  
  
"...i suppose so."  
  
-  
  
The winter went by mostly without a hitch. Within time Simon went back to posting videos on his regular schedule. Madden helped to play a massive part in his recovery - never neglecting to tell Simon how good he looked or how much he loved him. By March, Madden's birthday month, Simon was comfortable enough to start giving him blowjobs again - but still had a strict rule against insertion. In that period he even tried topping, but neither of them found it to be the same.  
  
Being on good terms with Josh again was another massive factor. Their relationship got a little more awkward than what it had been, but it was evident that Josh was trying to be casual and make things work out again. He never apologized, but Simon couldn't really ask him for that - it meant enough to him that they were speaking again.  
  
And the fans were incredibly supportive of Simon. There was some backlash, and he expected that much, but for the most part everyone was being very kind. He was actually gaining subscribers (mostly females who thought him coming out was brave and admirable, but hey, it's support all the same). He never fully opened up about all his experiences, but he did mention in passing that he was seeing someone, and wouldn't give out any names. Fans speculated, like most do, but Simon didn't mind.  
  
His life was on the right track for once, and he truly couldn't have been happier.  
  
-  
  
It took a very short amount of time for things to go awry again.  
  
In april, Simon took a ride over to Madden's house to spend the night. In his mind he was plotting it out, having decided that it would be the night where they try to have sex again. Upon his arrival, he noticed an unfamiliar car parked in the driveway. He thought nothing of it considering he had yet to meet many of his boyfriend's friends.

He parked behind said car, and took out his spare key to unlock the door. He couldn't hear the TV, so he figured they had to be upstairs. He jogged up, and without knocking, flung the door open.  
  
"Hey, Madden, I..."  
  
A curvy blonde girl with hair down to her ass was cradled on Madden, her glossy pink lips wrapped around her cock and a well manicured hand was stroking the base. She didn't so much as stop even as Madden locked eyes with Simon, looking like a deer caught in headlights. He shoved the girl off, sending her falling to the ground as he scrambled off the bed to try and catch Simon, who was already leaving the room, heading down the stairs.  
  
"Please, baby," he cooed, trying to grab Simon by the arm - when he succeeded in this endeavor, Simon instantly yanked away. "It's not what you think, I swear."  
  
Simon scoffed loudly, shoving Madden away from him. "Then why don't you fucking enlighten me, huh?"  
  
Madden bit his lip before speaking slowly. "I was lonely and...and you wouldn't do anything. What was I supposed to do, Simon?"  
  
"What?!" Simon exclaimed, and without warning, angry tears pulsed out of his eyes and down his lips - salty and bitter. "I was fucking _raped_ . How long has this been going on?"  
  
"...about a month now," said Madden, his eyes lidded and heavy. There was plenty of guilt hidden in those beautiful chocolate eyes that Simon used to love so dearly. "I don't get it, Simon. You were letting Josh fuck you while he was dating Freya. What's the big deal?"  
  
Simon fell silent after that, confused and scared of his own feelings - and especially when he realized that there was truth to what Madden was saying. It was hardly any different...right? Maybe Simon was just being hypocritical...  
  
... _right_ ?  
  
-  
  
"No, absolutely not," said Tobi over their drinks. He had insisted on buying for Simon that night on account of current events. All the lads were out that night, celebrating the birthday of a close friend named Lewis. "It wasn't right for Josh to cheat on Freya, and it's not right for Madden to cheat on you - especially because of his dumbass excuse. Dump his sorry ass, Simon."  
  
"Yeah," Harry concurred, even though he was already half drunk. "Simon, that asshole doesn't deserve you. There's a damn good reason you didn't want to have sex, and for him to cheat on you because of that? Fuck him."  
  
Simon was silent as he swirled his straw in his drink - a rather disgusting concoction of blood orange and strong vodka. He found truth in what the lads were telling him, but even still, he was unable to hear their reasoning. He still didn't find it any different, and if anything, the whole situation was making him feel like a shitty person.  
  
It didn't feel any sort of good, being cheated on. Simon felt shitty for ever letting himself be the person that Freya was being cheated on with. He thought she was a doll, and knew her feelings would be crushed had she ever found out.  
  
He took a large swig of his drink, still refusing to contribute to the conversation.  
  
"Wait, so..." Ethan began, clearly confused by the whole ordeal. Only recently had the lot of them been made aware of the situation. "What did he say afterwards? Is he still planning on seeing the girl?"  
  
"...I mean...yes," Simon stammered, becoming embarrassed. "He thinks that we should all...see each other."  
  
Harry gagged audibly, over exaggerating. "Simon, no. You caught him and the bitch together, and now he expects you to just drop it? Fuck that."  
  
"Yeah," agreed Tobi, also clearly disgusted by the idea. "Simon, just let him go. You'll feel a million times better if you drop his sorry ass."  
  
Simon finished his drink and, despite the revolting taste, ordered another - desperately needing it.  
  
-  
  
Josh Bradley would not stop knocking until the door opened, and even then, he wanted to ram his fist right into Madden's face.  
  
He had to admit that Simon's most recent beau was gorgeous, but even still, that didn't deter from the fact that he was utter scum. He was never going to get away with what he did to Simon.  
  
"Can I help you?" snorted Madden, and Josh had half the mind to smack the ugly look right off his face. He had to wonder why such a good looking guy who had made his best friend so happy turned out to be just disgusting. "I'm kind of busy right now."  
  
"Doing what?" retorted Josh. He never had the intention of being kind of Madden, and especially not when he was already being met with a sour attitude. "Fucking your stupid slut? How could you do that to Simon?"  
  
Madden scoffed - and Josh had to wonder if his face could get permanently stuck like that. "Like you're squeaky clean? Fuck off, Josh. Simon is no better than you and I; fucking a guy who was in a relationship."  
  
Josh was quickly becoming upset. "Simon was the best fucking thing you could have ever had. If I see you anywhere _near_ that boy, i'll punch you in that hollow ass head."  
  
Josh turned to leave, but he was stopped quickly by a tight grip on his upper arm that was sure to leave a gross bruise. As much as he hated to admit it, Madden did have a strong grip to him.  
  
"Well, that's too bad," he said, a smug look on his face. "Because I know Simon, and he knows he'll never have anything better than me. He would _never_ leave me. Not for anything, and especially not because you want him to. You fucking ruined that kid - do you think he cares what you think?"  
  
Face turning red with anger, Josh's nails began to dig into his palms. "Simon fucking Minter is my best friend. YOU ruined him. Do you have any idea of how shitty he feels because of you? He hasn't left his room. He doesn't want any part of that fucking slut, and you should have fucking apologized instead of asking him to _join_ . You're disgusting and you don't deserve to be anywhere near him. If I were you, I would stay the hell out of his life."  
  
Josh turned to leave again, but this time, Madden let him.  
  
-  
  
Simon couldn't believe the audacity. First, he has his heart shattered all over the floor. Then, he's broken up with. He didn't see it coming, especially not after Madden had seemed so desperate to have Simon stay with him. He claimed that he wanted to be with him and that nothing had to change. Simon had to wonder about it, and the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to cry.  
  
All of his friends, and even his family, rejoiced. They didn't think Madden was any good after he cheated and had been urging Simon to break up with him. They didn't need to worry anymore - Simon didn't want anything to do with him. He let Madden keep all of the stuff he left at his house, and shipped his back in the mail. He knew he wouldn't be able to face him in person without crying.  
  
He felt so stupid and so weak, having given his all to a boy who didn't give a shit about him. But it wasn't the first time, and he was pretty certain it wouldn't be the last.  
  
Josh knew it was because of him. He knew it was was because of the look on Madden's face when he left his house - the glimmer of probable tears in his eyes. Madden knew Josh was right. He knew he didn't deserve Simon.  
  
And Josh didn't even have a morsel of regret.  
  
-  
  
The lads, spearheaded by Josh, decided that it was time to take a vacation.  
  
Together, the seven of them flew overseas to Clearwater, Florida. it was recommended to them by Joe Weller, who claimed he used to go there with his family when he was younger. They rented a villa that was a short walk from the beach - four bedrooms, one with a king bed, and the rest with two queens each. Vikk called dibs on the single room. Ethan roomed with Harry, JJ with Tobi, and Josh with Simon.  
  
Simon had never been to Florida but he found the city to be incredibly relaxing. It was beautiful with incredible architecture and white sand beaches. It was a very tourist centric location, but that meant there was a lot for them to do. They walked on the pier together and went to the beach nearly everyday - running into fans on a frequent basis, which Simon thought was amazing.  
  
They went to the marina, where there were plenty of boat tours to check out. They all went on a powerboat tour, seeing celebrity homes - and the drivers even looked for volunteers to help drive the boat. Later in the day, they rented out jet skis, and Simon and Harry went out parasailing - going up a thousand feet in the air, which was unsettling yet gorgeous at the same time. As the sun began to set they went on a dinner cruise which included a buffet, games, and even free drinks. Simon thought it was an incredible thing that they all got to do together, and it reminded him of how blessed they truly were.  
  
The following days were equally as unbelievable. They made it out to Busch Gardens and Adventure Island in Tampa Bay, and even rode around in a tourist bus to see celebrity homes and other landmarks within the city. Back in Clearwater they played mini golf and went go kart racing - finishing off the day with some of the best ribs and mixed drinks that Simon had ever had.  
  
"I could stay here forever," Simon told Josh as he stripped from his street clothes in the comfort of their bedroom. "I don't think I've been this happy in a long ass time."  
  
Josh smiled, taking a gander at Simon's stomach and chest as he spoke (still as lean and gorgeous as he had remembered). "I'm glad you're starting to feel better. It is a really cool place."  
  
Slipping into his pajama pants, Simon flopped down in his bed, flicking on the TV. "Yeah, no kidding. The options are damn near endless."  
  
And they were. Simon did end up feeling like a proper tourist as they spent the next day visiting shopping malls and thrift stores, even finding themselves at an outdoor flea market. They picked up some proper golf clubs and headed out to the villa's neighboring country club to tee off, only to find that real golf was a hundred times harder than mini golf. Josh wouldn't stop gloating about his victory as they sat down to eat at an expensive steak place, eating to their heart's content.  
  
Ethan ended up with a horrendous case of food poisoning, and awoke all the lads at three in the morning with unpleasant hurling. Almost instantly they rang for an ambulance, and sat with him in the hospital until he felt well enough to leave in the afternoon. They tried going out for lunch, but after a measly sip of sprite, Ethan was back in the washroom, throwing up again.  
  
They had roundtrip tickets and weren't scheduled to leave for a few more days, so they returned to the hospital so that Ethan could be monitored. None of them had ever experienced severe food poisoning, so they weren't entirely sure of what to do and didn't want to run the risk of Ethan becoming dehydrated. They kept him under close monitoring, and at least one of them stayed with him at all times.  
  
Within the day Ethan could eat again and the lads felt comfortable enough to take him back to the villa, and decided to take the day easy on the beach. Harry and JJ bought surf boards from the shop down the street, Vikk and Tobi stayed in the sand with Ethan, relaxing on beach towels. The water was the perfect temperature so Simon insisted on taking a bit of a swim, and Josh joined him - albeit a little reluctantly because Josh was not a fan of seeing fish and was scared of stepping on one. They swam and waded together, splashing salt water at each other until their eyes began to burn.  
  
They turned in early that night, but Simon was still too energetic to sleep, so Josh took him down to the villa owned pool. It was open all night long, but considering that it was eleven there was no one there. Simon opted for the hot tub instead of the pool, and Josh joined him with no hesitation.  
  
They sat there in silence for the most part. They brought beers from their hotel room and sipped on them quietly, just enjoying the night and the bubbles. At some point Josh's arm ended up around Simon's shoulders, but no one was complaining.  
  
-  
  
On the way back to london, Ethan got sick on the plane ride, and as soon as they landed he was back in the hospital - Harry toting his bags back to his flat for him. They did intensive testing and found something that Simon wished they hadn't.  
  
Stomach cancer.  
  
They caught it in a relatively early stage, the doctors said. But they also said that Ethan would need to stay in the hospital and undergo extensive treatment and chemotherapy. It was the first time Simon had ever seen Ethan cry, and it was foreign and heartbreaking.  
  
When he visited Ethan in the hospital for the first time, it was unpleasant. Chunks of his hair were starting to fall out, and he already lost his Florida tan, looking sickly and pale. He told Simon that he never suspected this and that he never thought something like this could happen to him, and Simon couldn't believe it, either. He had never experienced the feeling of someone so close to him being so sick. He wondered what the odds were, but everything was up in the air and confusing.  
  
Things were rocky as far as the fanbase went. People were concerned about Ethan and what would happen to the Sidemen if anything happened. Simon couldn't answer those concerns - he wasn't certain that he would continue making videos if Ethan died. He knew for a fact that it would be the end of the Sidemen and the brand that they had created together.  
  
It wasn't right to think about the situation in such a negative light, but Simon wasn't about to start sugarcoating anything. He knew exactly what could happen if Ethan didn't start getting better. He didn't like to think about it, but it wasn't something that could be helped.  
  
Hope was just about all that they could hang onto, and this point.  
  
-  
  
Simon awoke to one hand being cuffed hard to his bed frame, followed quickly by the other also being secured. His eyes flew open, but before they could adjust to the darkness of the room, a piece of fabric (a blindfold, he was pretty certain) was tied over his eyes.  
  
"What the...?"  
  
Before he could finish his sentence, an even larger piece of fabric was stuffed into his mouth. The ripping of duct tape was heard before it was being placed on Simon's lips. He gagged, but as his saliva covered the thick fabric, it was easier to hold in.  
  
He struggled, feeling the cuffs bite and tear into his thin wrist skin, but his legs were being held down and tied to the posts of the bed with what felt like rope. Having not been tied down like this in quite some time, Simon was internally beginning to freak out, trying his hardest to kick his legs and push the gag out with his tongue.  
  
Finally, the husky voice spoke. "I can't fucking help it anymore, Simon. I need you and I need you right _now_ ."  
  
Josh.  
  
Simon relaxed back into the mattress when he realized who it was. He experienced a moment of panic as normally Josh wasn't so rough on him, but he certainly didn't mind one bit. The second Josh's hands touched his bare skin, he remembered how much he missed that feeling.  
  
He went to bed in nothing but his boxers, as he typically did when he was sleeping alone, but they were quite literally ripped from his legs, and Josh's hands were moving up and down his quivering thighs - his nails digging in.  
  
The touch disappeared, and Simon whimpered at the loss, but within no time it was back - this time in the form of Josh's lips at his neck, sucking harsher than ever and blossoming into a dark purple hickey. On account of the secrecy of their relationship, Josh used to never leave hickeys on Simon - and although it was foreign, Simon was glad for the tape encasing his embarrassing moans. He was already unravelling with something as simple as neck kisses.  
  
"I could play with your body all fucking day," Josh murmured, his breath hot against Simon's skin as he ghosted down over his collarbones and chest. "God, I missed you."  
  
Simon grunted in agreement, but it was quick to turn into a sharp gasp as Josh bit down on one of his nipples, turning it bright red as he bit at his chest and down his stomach, leaving a trail of red and purple hickeys. Simon bucked up his hips, but Josh was quick to shove them back down onto the bed with firm hands as his tongue trailed down Simon's length, causing the younger man to quiver.  
  
Josh's tongue was roaming all over, teasing Simon in ways that he had never done before. His hands slid over Simon's butt to lift his hips up into the air, giving him perfect access to his cock and balls. Simon's legs quivered as Josh sucked, moving his lips to focus his attention to the head, his tongue tracing the slit teasingly. Simon shivered, whimpering loudly as he did so - his cock beginning to leak as Josh continued to tease.  
  
He gave Simon a break, sinking down and taking him into his mouth, hollowing out his cheeks and sucking loudly on purpose, just to illicit a reaction from his lover. And Simon was definitely responsive, trying to lift his hips even more and moaning Josh's name through his gag, breathy and sweaty. Josh forgot just how much he loved seeing Simon become undone and relax under his touch.  
  
Josh pulled off of Simon's cock with an obnoxious popping sound that made Simon cry out and whine, needy for his lover's attention. Josh kissed the head of his cock before dropping Simon's hips, scooting up and stroking his own cock, reaching into Simon's bedside drawer, where he was unsurprised to find a tub of lube - grape flavored, according to the label. He rubbed some onto his fingers, figuring that Simon needed a good stretch after that period of time.  
  
He kept one hand on Simon's stomach to keep his hips held down whilst he slowly began to insert one finger into his lover. He could feel Simon's muscles clench, and it occurred to Josh for the first time that he was uncertain if Simon had been properly fucked since he had been assaulted.  
  
"Baby...if you get uncomfortable I want you to snap your fingers for me. Can you do that please?"  
  
Simon nodded quickly, rocking his hips in desperation. Josh thought that was a good enough indication to continue, so he pushed in the first finger until he was knuckle deep, curling it experimentally to excite and stimulate Simon, whose face was beginning to turn light pink. When he got an excited yelp, he inserted the second finger quite calmly, feeling Simon begin to tense up. Although Josh was concerned for Simon's well being, he didn't seem bothered at all, so Josh kept going.  
  
Once both fingers were settled, knuckle deep, he experimentally scissored them, working Simon open as best as he knew how. Simon whined loudly, shifting around on the bed despite Josh's efforts to keep him still. He curled his fingers, beginning to move them slowly up and down, applying more force the deeper he pushed in - fucking Simon with his fingers. Before Simon could get himself anymore worked up, however, Josh pulled his fingers out. He wanted to save the excitement for when he was actually fucking Simon.  
  
Simon was impatient as Josh sat there on his stomach, watching as his younger lover struggled - his cheeks puffing out as he tried to push out his gag. Josh knew what he was doing and didn't like it one bit. He hit Simon hard in the balls, causing Simon to yelp and his back to arch up off of the bed.  
  
"I don't want you taking that off, Simon. Do I make myself clear, or do I need to spank you?"  
  
Simon shook his head rapidly, cowering and quivering, just wanting to be touched. Josh got off of the bed and searched in their box, which he had pulled into Simon's room specifically for this occasion. He retrieved an unforgiving pair of nipple clamps, and without so much of a warning, clipped them onto Simon - who was definitely reactive, letting out a noise that was a cross between a shriek and a moan.  
  
"You're lucky I'm being nice to you tonight, Simon. I could punish you even worse than that if I needed to."  
  
Simon whimpered, mumbling intelligible apologies through his gag, but none of it made sense to Josh. Having been naked from the start, Josh returned to sitting in between Simon's bound legs. He brought out the lube again, which had been carelessly tossed on the floor, and began to smear it on the length of his cock, staring at Simon's throbbing cock as it lay against his belly. Josh knew this wouldn't take long at all, so he decided to take his time in pressing into Simon, teasing him by easing the head of his cock in first. Simon seemed to receive it well enough, so he carried on in sliding in the rest of his length, feeling Simon get progressively tighter.  
  
Once his full length was in Simon, he decided to waste no time in rolling his hips, watching Simon strain against his bondage and arch off the bed, trying to push down on Josh's cock. Deciding that there would be plenty of time for punishment later on, he began to quicken his pace - hip rolls turning into pounding, his balls slapping against Simon's cheeks obscenely. Simon let out noises that would put a porn star to shame as he whined and whimpered, becoming louder with his begging and moaning of Josh's name.  
  
Josh made the headboard rattle against the wall as he pounded into Simon, his cock as far into him as it could physically go as he held Simon by the hips, keeping him as pinned down to the bed as possible. His nails tore into Simon's soft skin, and the deeper he got the louder the moans were. Simon was reactive as ever, and although he was unable to move, he was certainly struggling and straining, but of course to no avail.  
  
Josh didn't want it to end, he had enough stamina to keep it going, but it didn't take long at all for Simon to hit his high, streaking ropes of cum against Josh's bare stomach as he orgasmed with a loud cry. Seeing Simon orgasm like that was enough to make Josh follow suit - coming inside of Simon, which made him arch up and moan, quiet in his euphoria.  
  
Josh decided now would be the perfect time for Simon's punishment. He reached over to the bedside drawer, where he had previously placed a vibrating butt plug. He initially only had plans to tease Simon with it, but he changed his mind due to Simon's misbehavior. He pulled out slowly, and as his own cum dripped out of Simon's hole and down onto the bed, Josh shoved it in without any mercy, causing Simon to yelp and arch off of the bed. Josh smirked, and without warning, flicked it onto its middle setting, pulling at Simon's nipple clamps teasingly.  
  
Tears were starting to soak into the blindfold placed over Simon's eyes as he arched and jerked. He felt amazing, better than he had in a long while, but the stimulation was becoming too much for him. He couldn't see Josh, he couldn't speak - all he could feel was Josh pulling on his nipple clamps and the buzzing of the plug making his cock reactive all over again. It wasn't deep enough. He tried his hardest to rock against it, but every time he tried, Josh smacked his balls in warning.  
  
He knew it would be a long night, and especially when Josh slid a cock ring on him.  
  
-  
  
In the morning, Josh couldn't have been happier with himself.  
  
He was cheerful as ever as he leaned over and kissed Simon's lips, even though his lover was sound asleep beside him. He rolled out of bed and went downstairs after pulling on his pajamas that he had discarded on Simon's floor. He smiled when he saw Vikk and JJ eating breakfast together in the kitchen.  
  
"Morning guys," he greeted, helping himself to the breakfast pizza in the middle of the table. "I think Simon and I are getting back together."  
  
Vikk's eyes narrowed, and JJ's face remained blank. "You two were never _together_ . having sex does not count."  
  
"This is true," Vikk agreed, setting his pizza down on the plate in front of him. "Besides that, do you really think that's the best idea right now? What with Ethan being sick and all..."  
  
Josh frowned, swallowing his bite of pizza audibly. "I didn't realize Ethan's health had anything to do with Simon and I seeing each other. We had a really good night last night and...I forgot how happy he makes me."  
  
"Yeah, well," JJ deadpanned, seemingly unamused. Josh had to wonder what in the hell had crawled up his ass. "Maybe you should remember that before you break his heart again. He doesn't fucking need that from you, Josh. Treat him right this time."  
  
Without another word, JJ stormed out of the kitchen, slamming hard into Josh's shoulder as he made his exit. Confused, Josh took his empty seat across the table from Vikk.  
  
"And what exactly is his deal this morning? It's not even noon."  
  
Vikk sighed, scratching at the back of his head. "Well...none of us really appreciated what went on between you and Simon beforehand. And if you guys get at each other again like you did last time...I don't know if Simon will be able to take that."  
  
Immediately Josh grew defensive on his lover's behalf. "Well, Simon isn't a little kid, you know. Besides that, I'm serious about him this time. More serious than I've ever been. Fuck, Vikk...I think I'm in love with him."  
  
-  
  
The more Ethan's health declined, the more it looked as though he wouldn't end up recovering. As the situation grew bleaker and bleaker, all of the lads stopped their normal video output. It didn't feel right without Ethan around.  
  
They continued to visit him in the hospital, and he was never without one of his family members or one of the lads. No one wanted to leave him alone - they wanted to be with him and assure him that they all cared about him. And they did. They all loved Ethan, and there was an aura of regret that they never showed it as much as they should have.  
  
Simon and Harry stayed with him the most, and even when Simon left at night, sometimes Harry would stay and still be there when Simon came back in the morning. Harry appeared to be taking this the hardest, and Simon wasn't sure why. He knew the two were close, but he never thought they were this level of close. Simon felt bad for Harry, and even more bad for Ethan, but he knew that neither one of them was looking for pity.  
  
Harry seemed to never want to be torn from Ethan, but it became inevitable when the lads insisted he go home to take a shower. In that time, Simon and Josh stayed with Ethan. Josh held Simon's hand, and this seemed to please Ethan.  
  
"So, you guys are back together...?" he croaked, clearly tired from being doped up on pain meds. Simon was hesitant, but Josh nodded, and the ghost of a smile appeared on Ethan's lips. "I'm glad. You guys deserve each other...how is Harry doing?"  
  
Josh looked confused. "Hmm? He's okay, I suppose. Just worried."  
  
Ethan smiled, dazed and confused by the looks of it. "We're going to get married this summer. Harry promised."  
  
Simon and Josh exchanged puzzled looks, but chocked it up to Ethan being tired and confused.  
  
-  
  
turns out, Ethan wasn't tired nor was he confused.  
  
When Harry came back later that night, Ethan was fast asleep, but Josh and Simon had yet to leave - they had promised they would stay there until Harry came back so that Ethan wouldn't be alone.  
  
Harry was freshly showered and dressed, but he still looked tired and concerned. "How has he been today? Has he eaten?"  
  
Josh's eyebrows furrowed together. "Uh, yeah, he ate some soup when the nurse came in...held it down fine. He was talking some mad shit, though. They must drug him up pretty good, eh?"  
  
"He takes painkillers," Harry deadpanned, clearly finding no amusement in the statement. Simon felt uncomfortable. "What did he say? He blabbers when he's tired."  
  
Simon interjected, fearing that Josh might misspeak and offend Harry further. "He seems to have this idea that you two are getting married. This summer."  
  
Harry didn't so much as blink. "Yeah. And?"  
  
Simon and Josh exchanged looks, uncertain of how to approach the situation. In Josh's mind, Ethan and Harry seemed like an unlikely match. They were great friends, yes, but the idea of them as a couple just didn't jive. In Simon's mind, the only thing that he found confusing was the concept of marriage, considering that the two hadn't even come out as a couple. He wondered how long it would have taken them had Ethan never opened his mouth.  
  
"So, um..." Josh stuttered, standing up to let Harry have the spot next to Ethan's bed - still holding hands with Simon, he pulled him up as well. "When exactly were you guys planning on telling the rest of us?"  
  
"Why should it matter? You and Simon are together. Why can't Ethan and I be?"  
  
"I don't think that's really what he meant," Simon quickly interjected, fearing that Harry was getting the wrong idea. "I think he's just...confused. It's kind of a big thing that you're getting married...you never really mentioned that you were even dating."  
  
Harry was silent for a moment before tears started welling up in his eyes. "Well, he's really fucking sick, you know. They're stopping his first round of chemo in June so I told him we could go somewhere, anywhere, and get married. It's what he wants."  
  
Simon reached over to pull Harry into his arms, and the younger lad immediately nestled in, tears streaking down his cheeks. Simon had seen Harry cry very few times but it never ceased to be upsetting either way.  
  
"It's okay. Don't cry," Simon consoled, rubbing gentle circles into Harry's upper back. "It'll make him really happy, and we'll all support you guys. It's okay."  
  
Harry clung onto Simon, and refused to let go for the remainder of the night.  
  
-  
  
"So..." Simon murmured as he and Josh stepped into the elevator together. Harry kicked both of them out of the room the moment Ethan woke up, but Simon wasn't complaining. He knew the two wanted to be alone, and he wanted to talk to Josh in privacy. Josh hit the button for the first floor, lifting an eyebrow to let Simon know to continue. "You told Ethan we were back together."  
  
Josh's cheeks turned pink, if only for a second. "Well...we've been doing stuff again. Do you not want to be together...?"  
  
"No!" Simon exclaimed quickly, stepping out of the elevator as it opened into the lobby. "I didn't mean it in that way. I just...I didn't realize you wanted to be together..."  
  
In the parking lot, Josh grabbed Simon by the arm so that, illuminated by the street lights, he could look into his eyes. "I do, Simon. and I want it to be...proper, this time around. But only if you want that, of course."  
  
Simon's cheeks flushed a shade of deep red, his palms beginning to sweat. "Josh..."  
  
"I love you, Simon Minter...will you be my boyfriend?"  
  
With no hesitation, Simon practically threw himself into Josh's arms, unable to hold back his tears as he clung on, digging his nails into Josh's back. He couldn't believe it. He had imagined this day, but never thought it would actually come. For the majority of their sexual relationship, Simon had always felt like a pawn in Josh's game. Now, it was the complete opposite. He believed that Josh loved him, and it made him cry even harder.  
  
The love Simon contained for Josh was greater than any other. To know that his feelings were reciprocated was the best feeling he had ever experienced after such a long period of depression and doubt. Post-Madden, he didn't think he would ever be able to feel another person's love. Maybe he was being silly, but he wholeheartedly believed Josh loved him.  
  
And to be loved is all he truly wanted.  
  
-  
  
Life was full of ups and downs, Simon supposed. It had been a constant downhill for awhile there, but things were beginning to take a turn for the better. Just as the doctors had said, Ethan stopped his first round of chemotherapy in June, and he and Harry announced to all the lads that they would be getting married in the Bahamas in August. Simon had never been, and he was psyched - especially since it was an honor to be in a wedding party.  
  
A lot of their YouTuber friends came, and took snapchats and instagram photos. Vikk and Josh, being the editing gods that they were, vlogged the whole thing (at the couple's discretion, of course). The wedding was all over social media, and fans were shocked, as to be expected - but the response was overwhelmingly positive, and especially when they saw that Ethan was happy and well. People were arguing about the name change to Harry Payne, but Simon thought it was suiting enough.  
  
The reception itself was gorgeous, and if Simon were to ever get married, it would be his ideal reception, too. They had rows upon rows of food, birds flying around, and flowers galore - complimented of course by the stunning private beach. Simon supposed that money truly could buy that kind of beauty, and certainly not for the first time, found himself humbled. He realized that, in spite of everything they had encountered the past few months, they were really living their lives to the fullest and experiencing so much despite their ages. Not everyone could do what they had all done.  
  
Dancing with Josh at the reception was another thing. Josh was not graceful in the slightest, but even though his toes were probably going to bruise, Simon found it charming how clumsy and awkward he was. He told Josh that they didn't have to dance, but he was shut down instantly - Josh wanted to have his first slow dance with Simon, and that was that.  
  
(Plus, Josh was handsome as hell in his suit, so he almost had every right to crush Simon's feet).  
  
-  
  
As the fall came around, and Ethan and Harry came back from their honeymoon (an Alaska/New England cruise, that was apparently to die for), Ethan was admitted back into the hospital for another round of chemo - and became sick again almost immediately. The doctors explained that they wanted to get his strength up to a point where they could safely operate on Ethan and remove the tumors. Harry didn't seem thrilled, nor was he any sort of optimistic. Simon couldn't blame him - the tumors were like little warts covering Ethan's stomach, and it was a terrible thing.  
  
However, Ethan was doing a lot better than he had been the first time. He seemed hungry more often, and didn't have to sleep so much. He had the energy to walk around, and was even allowed to take walks with Harry to get fresh air (so long as they kept it to a minimum; Ethan really couldn't afford to run into an illness).  
  
In the meantime, Josh and Simon were regular little lovebirds. They had yet to come out about their own relationship, and Simon wanted to take his time. He didn't so much mind people knowing, but for the time being, he wanted to keep Josh and their relationship to himself. He cherished it. He would open up one day, but they were really in no sort of rush.  
  
JJ ended up settling down with a girl he met whilst in the Bahamas. She was on vacation with her family, hailing all the way from Texas. So, even though they had gone their separate ways for awhile, they kept up with each other over video chat and text messaging. For awhile, no one thought he was serious about Brittany, until he flew to America to go be with her. He stayed there through September, and when he came back, he told the guys that he found something special in her. Something that wasn't just about money or fame - she was a humble girl from a small town, and apparently she was JJ's dream girl. He told them that they would get married in the winter.  
  
Simon was sure that they weren't serious, but sure enough, a week before christmas, they were flying overseas once more to attend a wedding in the deep south. It was unlike anything Simon had ever done - he was a clean cut city boy, and this wedding was one of the most unconventional things he had ever witnessed. The ceremony was beautiful, Brittany was beautiful, and Simon had even agreed to being JJ's best man. But the reception, although different, was the funnest one Simon had ever attended.  
  
They did line dancing, ate homestyle cooking, and roasted the shit out of the newlyweds. It was nothing Simon would have wanted for himself, and was pretty sure the wedding was mostly Brittany's planning, but it was entertaining all the same - and Simon was genuinely happy for the couple.  
  
The two had held their reception at Brittany's family ranch, a quite large piece of land with a long river nearby. Halfway through the night whilst they were dancing to Cotton Eye Joe, Josh pulled Simon away from all the excitement to take a walk along said river, taking his hand. It felt nice to be in the cool, breezy air - strolling with Josh under all the stars and constellations.  
  
"They're a strange couple," Josh remarked, swinging their intertwined hands and kicking at the pebbles on the ground. "But he's so happy. Who would have thought?"  
  
Simon nodded in agreement. "Yeah. Brittany's one gorgeous girl, but I didn't think she was JJ's type. Hell...I don't think he's ever been happier."  
  
Josh nodded, appearing solemn for a second. "It's strange to think that we're all splitting up in such a short amount of time, you know? I didn't think it would end this soon."  
  
Simon swallowed thickly, his breath catching in his throat. He didn't like to dwell too hard on the fact that things were not what they used to be. After Ethan got sick, they all kind of fell apart - posting videos less and less frequently. With JJ now being married, and planning on moving Brittany to London with him and buying a new house to settle down in, there wasn't much left to the Sidemen. Everyone was starting to move on and do their own thing.  
  
Simon had to agree that things were not the same, and he wasn't sure how he felt about that.  
  
He sucked in a deep breath, stopping Josh in his tracks to press in and give him a sweet, loving kiss. Before his boyfriend could kiss back, he pulled away to look into his eyes. "I love you, Josh Bradley."  
  
Josh smiled at Simon, pulling him into another kiss.  
  
-  
  
Not a month after the wedding, back in London, the doctors were ready to perform Ethan's surgery. The chemotherapy brought him to a safe spot where risk was much lower, and once the odds were well in their favor, they decided to put him under.  
  
Harry seemed excited enough about it, and as they were all sitting with Ethan before their surgery, he was stroking his husband's arm with a delicate touch. "Once you get better we can finally move in together. We can see each other and wake up with each other every single day."  
  
Ethan smiled, even though it was clear that the anesthesia was beginning to kick in and he was quickly becoming drowsy. "I love you, Harry."  
  
Simon's heart was throbbing in his chest as he watched their exchange. He couldn't believe the love they contained for one another. He couldn't believe that in such a dark time they were still able to smile and talk as if there was nothing wrong. Though they had always been an unlikely couple, Simon could definitely see that there was a lot of love that they shared.  
  
"I love you," Harry whispered, his grip tightening on Ethan's arm. "I always will, okay?"  
  
Harry took a deep sigh as he stepped back to let the other lads have their moment. Vikk stepped in first and gave Ethan a big hug, followed by JJ and Tobi - even Brittany showed up, seeing as she and Ethan had hit it off so well at the wedding. Once they all had their hugging done with, Simon and Josh stepped forward.  
  
Simon gave Ethan a big embrace, patting his back as best as he could. "You're strong as a bull, buddy. I know you can do it. I love you."  
  
Ethan almost laughed, and it warmed Simon's heart. Josh stepped forward, looking a little shaky as he hugged Ethan tightly. "I love you buddy. It'll be okay."  
  
He kept it short and simple and stepped back to Simon's side, clinging onto his boyfriend like a little boy. Harry took his place to sit with Ethan until he passed out, and the nurses took him in.  
  
-  
  
The surgery was going to be a lengthy one, but all of the lads agreed to stay in the hospital with Harry while it was going on. JJ and Brittany had already fallen asleep on one another, Tobi had his headphones on, Vikk was on his computer, and Josh was leaning on Simon's shoulder, twiddling his thumbs as he stared at the blank wall in front of him. Simon had one arm around Josh, and his free hand was on Harry's back - rubbing it in slow, calm motions. Harry had his head down and his hands cupped together in his lap. Simon was pretty sure he was praying.  
  
-  
  
To everyone's complete relief, the surgery went off without a hitch. Ethan was healthy and stabilized, and Harry couldn't be happier about it. Even though his husband was still unconscious post-operation, Harry refused to let go of his sleeping body. He cried like a little boy and wouldn't stop. It was heartbreaking, but everyone knew he was relieved - it was nice to see him letting it out.  
  
Simon could definitely see the relief in Josh's eyes, too. He knew his boyfriend had never dealt with a huge loss in his life, and was grateful that they didn't have to lose their good friend in such a horrible way. Ethan didn't deserve such a terrible illness, and to see him overcoming it was truly a blessing.  
  
For the first time in a long time, Simon truly felt that things would end up working out.  
  
-  
  
In December of the following year, on Christmas Eve, Josh began making plans.  
  
The year had been good to them. Ethan was in remission for a while, and his cancer never came back. He was starting to put on the weight that he lost - he had been a very unhealthy weight from his illness, and was building back up to a healthy place. His hair was growing back in, wavier and curlier than before, and his skin was gaining more and more color. He looked healthier and more radiant than ever.  
  
Even though JJ was married, with a pregnant wife, the Sidemen began to rebrand. Everyone was beginning to crank out videos at their regular pace (save for Ethan and Harry, who were still rejoicing) and it was almost like they never left. Within a few weeks of Ethan's surgery, Simon and Josh made their announcement video - telling the entirety of the internet that they were happily together. People found it almost hilarious, that there were two serious relationships within the Sidemen, but they showed the same support that they gave Ethan and Harry.  
  
Vikk found himself a girlfriend in the midst of things, who went by the name Sam. She was every bit as geeky as Vikk, if not more so. She had gone to an ivy league college in the states, but was born in London and returned after graduating to seek out a career as a doctor (with a Stanford degree, she had no troubles). She was a couple years older than Vikk, but was still undeniably sexy with silky black hair, porcelain skin, and long legs. The two were lovesick, and seeing Vikk with someone that made him so happy was great - even though they were both busy with their respective careers, they made the most of their time together.  
  
Tobi also got engaged within the same period of time, after about nine months of dating. Her name was Elise and she was one of the most gorgeous women Josh had ever seen. She was employed as a model, but was the farthest thing from the stereotype. She was actually very intelligent, and incredibly humble. Anytime someone would compliment her on her looks, even Tobi, she would blush.  
  
As far as Josh and Simon went, Josh was currently plotting his proposal. He and Simon had been together for well over a year; even longer than that if you counted all the sex. Simon was getting better and better as time went by. He was becoming progressively happier, and even though bad memories still stuck with him, he was well most of the time. Josh was proud of him and all the progress he had made.  
  
Every time he looked at Simon, he felt himself being reminded of every little thing he loved about him. It was no exception as he watched Simon run around the kitchen, setting up for their christmas party. Everyone was coming over, and he had spent half the day cooking for all the company they would be having. It was the first time they would be hosting a party in their own house, and they were nervous. Ethan and Harry were coming over, Sam and Vikk, Tobi and Elise, JJ and Brittany, among other close youtuber friends including Callum and Freezy. They decided to host on Christmas Eve so that everyone could return to their respective families on Christmas.  
  
Josh preferred to propose to Simon in front of their friends, rather than family - because their plan was to spend half the day with Josh's, and travel late in the day to Simon's on Christmas. Josh didn't think it was fair to propose in front of one over the other. Rather, he clued Tobi into his plans, to make sure the event could be filmed. In addition, he knew Vikk was planning to vlog some of the night, so he didn't doubt that they would get two angles on it.

As people continued to pour in, Josh became more and more nervous. He had no reason to believe that Simon would reject his proposal, but his stomach was in knots nonetheless as he watched his boyfriend dash around the living room, greeting everyone and passing out drinks. Josh found Simon to be endearing and charming, and in that moment, there was no doubt in his mind that Simon would be the perfect husband. Josh yearned to pop the question right that second, but he wanted to wait until everyone showed up. 

As it were, Harry and Ethan were the last ones to show up, still attached at the hip. Ever since Ethan had left the hospital, the two were hardly ever apart. They had moved in with each other in a penthouse apartment shortly after Ethan entered remission, and the two still seemed to be lost in their own little world. Josh didn't think there was anything wrong with that - he understood that Harry wanted to be close to his husband after having nearly lost him. But they were definitely focusing more on one another than they were the rest of their friends. 

Simon greeted them both with big hugs, smiling vibrantly at the both of them, and Josh felt his heart melting as he got up off the couch and walked over. He wrapped his arms around Simon's waist and drew him closer, planting a soft kiss to his younger boyfriend's temple. There was a big difference in Josh and Simon's relationship versus Harry and Ethan's. Most of the time, Josh wouldn't show much physical affection towards Simon whilst they were around their friends. He usually settled for wrapping an arm around him or holding his hand - sometimes kissing his cheek. Ethan and Harry's relationship was the polar opposite. They didn't give a damn who was watching, they would suck each other's faces off no matter where they were, and there was also quite a bit of lap sitting. 

Josh didn't think there was anything wrong with public displays of affection. He didn't care who knew he and Simon were in a relationship - hell, they had come out to millions upon millions of people online; it definitely wasn't an issue of secrecy. It was just a matter of Josh wanting to keep his affection towards Simon on a more intimate level, in a sense. Instead of him swapping spit with Simon in front of all their friends, he preferred to tie him down and choke him out in the privacy of their bedroom. Simon didn't seem to mind one bit.

"Thanks for coming, guys," Josh said to his friends, keeping his arm around Simon's waist. He was growing impatient - the red velvet box in his back pocket was starting to burn a hole. Even so, he wanted to make sure he was partaking in some of the hosting - not just leaving all of that to Simon. "It really means a lot to us."

Harry and Ethan smiled, taking their drinks before they went off to talk to the others. Rarely ever did the two come out with them anymore, or even record with them, but no one could really blame them. Simon looked at Josh with hooded eyes, but didn't speak as he dragged him over to the couch. Before they could go all the way, however, Josh stopped him in front of their fireplace (it wasn't real, but it had crystallized rock with blue flame that looked great with the modernized look to their house). Simon seemed confused, but everyone turned their heads to look at them, and Tobi whipped his camera out, having anticipated what Josh was planning. 

"Simon," Josh began, gently taking his hands. He wasn't used to being mushy with Simon, and he wasn't very good at telling his boyfriend how he felt. Their relationship wasn't really built upon communication - they had always struggled with it. Yet, Josh was trying his hardest, and he hoped Simon would be able to see that. "We've been seeing each other for a really long time, and...you mean so much to me. More than I could ever even begin to explain. You make me ridiculously happy - the happiest I've ever been. I can't imagine a life without you. I want to be with you until the very end..."

Simon's eyes were tearing up, especially as Josh reached into his back pocket, pulling out a matte black box (unbeknownst to Simon that Josh went through a huge debate with Tobi on whether or not to get down on one knee; they both had decided against it, knowing that Simon was a hugger and was going to crush Josh to death right away anyhow). 

"Simon Minter...will you marry me?"

As Josh spoke, he flipped open the box to reveal a shiny, pure silver ring. It was simple and classic - Josh knew Simon would love it. He watched the tears spill over as his younger boyfriend immediately wrapped his arms around him, squeezing the life out of Josh as he began to cry. Josh instantly wrapped his arms around Simon, pressing his face into Simon's shoulder to hide his developing smile. 

"Yes, Josh.  _Yes_."

Everyone rejoiced as Josh pulled back from their embrace, taking Simon's hand gingerly and slipping the ring onto his finger, causing Simon's tears to pulse down rapidly. He stared at the ring, his eyes watery and soft. He was in love with Josh, and to hear him voice exactly how he felt was the most incredible feeling he had ever experienced. Hearing Josh tell him that he loved him was one thing, but Josh _proving_ that he loved him was on a whole new level. 

He took Josh's face in his hands - watching as his glacier blue eyes began to well up with tears. "I love you, Josh. I love you."

Josh lifted up a shaky hand to wipe at his eyes before his tears could spill over. He was conscious of everyone watching them, and he wanted to share the emotion for Simon and only Simon. "God, Simon. I love you."

"We love you too!" cried Ethan as he embraced both of them in a large hug. Simon laughed loudly as he ushered in all of his friends to join their hug - which they did, in spite of some jokes and plenty of ribbing. Everything felt right, Simon realized - all was as it should be.

-

The party fizzled out pretty early, and Josh couldn't be more thankful.

As he laid in bed with Simon, naked and half drunk, he stared into his eyes and pushed back his hair repeatedly with soft, careful motions. He felt the emotions from earlier start to flow back into their rightful places, and he couldn't help but to lean in and kiss Simon. It was unlike any of their other kisses - which were typically filled with passion and lust. This one was soft and tender. Though different, they were filled with love all the same. In spite of a rocky start, Josh truly felt nothing but love for Simon - and his younger lover would always remind Josh that his feelings were valid and requited. 

Josh was on top of the world.


End file.
